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  “I don’t think you should go, leaving things as they are.” He hadn’t thought about what he was saying. The words just appeared out of nowhere, jumping out of his mouth several seconds before he realized it was the right thing for him to say.

  “Are you sure?” she probed.

  “No.”

  Julie laughed shakily at Buck’s clipped answer.

  Buck’s gaze drifted toward Julie. He suddenly realized he wasn’t the only one who’d changed over the years. Julie had learned from her experiences. From what she’d told him, she’d had her fair share of trials.

  If she’d really changed, was it fair of him to deny her the right to see her son?

  Maybe more to the point, was it fair to Tyler to keep this knowledge a secret? Now that Julie had found Christ and was taking full responsibility for her past sins, would Tyler want to get to know her as his biological mother?

  He didn’t meet Julie’s gaze until she touched his arm. He turned to her then, and she stared at him as if she were trying to read the truth in his eyes.

  He wished her luck. He didn’t know what the truth was anymore. She certainly wasn’t going to find anything searching his gaze.

  “What made you change your mind?” she asked softly, still touching his elbow.

  “I’m not entirely sure I have,” Buck answered curtly, stemming the instinctive urge to brush her hand off his arm. “I don’t want Tyler to be hurt. I’ve spent my whole life protecting him, and I’m not going to stop now.”

  Julie’s gaze didn’t waver as she nodded.

  “That said, you are his biological mother, and that’s a fact. A boy should know his mother.”

  “Even if there’s another woman ready to step into that role?” Julie queried softly.

  His heart clenched. Would Ellie even want to become his wife and be a mother to Tyler? With everything being what it was, he truly didn’t know.

  Despite her best intentions not to give in to the emotions swirling inside her, Ellie broke down and had herself a good cry the moment Buck and Julie were out the door. It didn’t take but a few minutes to cry herself out, after which she splashed cool water on her face. She examined herself in the mirror to make sure there were no telltale signs of her weakness, then began to clear the table.

  She had just finished washing the dishes in the sink and was running a towel over the last of the plates when Buck and Julie came in through the back door. Determined to be the sanctuary Buck needed, a good friend and not a freaked-out girlfriend—or whatever she was—Ellie squared her shoulders and turned to face Buck and his ex.

  Buck’s hands were shoved in the pockets of his jeans, and he looked like he might jump right out of his skin. He was literally shaking from the effort to keep himself steady, and Ellie felt strangely comforted by the fact that she wasn’t the only one suffering from Julie’s sudden appearance, though that was hardly fair. It wasn’t his fault Julie was here. Ellie silently renewed the promise to herself and God that she would stand by Buck no matter what happened between them now.

  Julie’s expression was oddly peaceful, though signs of her recent distress were still clearly visible. Ellie wondered what had transpired, but she didn’t want to prod. She couldn’t help but be curious, though, even if she wouldn’t so much as consider expressing her interest out loud. The differences in Buck’s and Julie’s expressions were enough to let Ellie know something had changed while they’d been outside.

  Ellie wanted to grasp Buck’s hand and give it a reassuring squeeze, but felt uncomfortable showing her affection for him with Julie in the room. In the end she simply tossed the dish towel over her shoulder, folded her arms in front of her and waited for someone to speak.

  Buck took a step toward Ellie, cocking his head so their eyes met. He smiled, but it was shaky at best. Ellie just stared, her eyes widening under the strength of his gaze. It seemed like hours passed between them, though Ellie knew it must have been no longer than a few seconds.

  “Hmm,” Buck murmured and then took her chin in his hand, tipping her face up. Arching one eyebrow, he took the index finger of his other hand and attempted to pull one corner of Ellie’s mouth into a smile. She tried to accommodate him, but it must have looked more like a grimace than a smile, if the frown that suddenly wrinkled Buck’s brow was anything to go by.

  “Can we sit down, please?” Julie prompted, gesturing to the kitchen table. “We need to talk.”

  “I’ll just be in the living room, cleaning up,” Ellie immediately replied, thinking Buck and Julie must still need their privacy to work things out.

  “No, no!” Julie exclaimed. “Buck and I definitely need you here with us.”

  Ellie cringed inwardly at the words Buck and I. She hated that she was jealous of the woman who’d left Buck and Tyler years ago, but there it was, staring her right in the face. It gave Ellie a new appreciation for the words green monster. Buck had once cared enough about Julie to marry her and have a child with her. And though Ellie considered the years spent putting elbow-grease into her ministry worthwhile, the fact was, Buck had at some point moved on with his life and had a family to show for it, whereas Ellie was alone. And she had never felt more so than at this moment.

  Ellie knew it would take a good deal of prayer to straighten out her heart on this issue, but this was obviously not the time. Buck had already shown Julie to a seat and was now standing behind an empty chair, gesturing for Ellie to sit.

  Ellie gritted her teeth and sat. Whatever problems she was facing would have to wait. There was a difference between feeling and acting. She would force herself to respond with compassion and hope her feelings would catch up later.

  It wasn’t easy.

  Buck took the hard-backed chair next to Ellie and turned it around, straddling the chair and leaning his elbows on the back as he usually did. His fists were still clenched, and there was a dent in his brow, which Ellie thought must have been caused by the stress he was feeling. She tamped back the urge to wipe the anxiety off his forehead with the tips of her fingers.

  Buck and Julie were staring at each other. Ellie suspected they were trying to decide who, between the two of them, would speak first.

  It didn’t look like either one of them was in a big hurry to talk at all, which just frustrated Ellie all the more. She could feel Buck’s tension, like electrical static in the air, though, strangely enough, Julie didn’t appear to be suffering from much of the same anxiety. Her eyes looked sad, not angry, and her lips twitched in and out of a smile.

  “So,” Ellie began when Buck and Julie continued their uncomfortable silence, “have you decided what you want to do here?”

  “Yes,” Buck said.

  “No,” said Julie simultaneously.

  Ellie chuckled dryly. At least she had got them talking. “Okay. Which is it?”

  “Yes.”

  “No.” Again overlapping.

  Ellie slid a look at Buck before addressing Julie. “Maybe I should leave you two alone a bit longer,” she said hesitantly, trying to keep an open mind and a blank expression, not entirely successful with either one.

  “No.” This time they agreed at least.

  Ellie felt like sprinting out of the room. Instead she laid her palms flat down on the cool walnut table. A direct approach was obviously called for here, or they would get nowhere. “What have you decided about Tyler?”

  “Buck thinks I should tell Tyler who I am, but I don’t think that would be the best idea.” Julie’s words came quickly and nearly on top of each other in her haste to speak. She finished her statement and swept in a deep, audible breath.

  Ellie was certain her jaw dropped. Her eyes definitely widened in surprise. She had expected just the opposite from what Julie was saying. A mere hour ago Buck had wanted Julie to leave posthaste, and it had been Julie who had insisted on staying.

  What had changed?

  “Wasn’t that your whole reason for coming here?” The question sounded a little defensive even to her own ears, bu
t Ellie couldn’t help it.

  Not where Tyler was concerned.

  “Julie’s reason for coming here isn’t as convoluted as I first thought it was,” Buck murmured, his smile fading as he looked back at his ex. He shrugged grudgingly. “She’s not here on a whim, just to make our lives miserable and spring herself on Tyler.”

  “Yeah, I got that,” Ellie murmured, and then she turned her attention to Julie as the other woman began to tell the story—the whole story—of why she’d come here. Now.

  When Julie was finished talking, Ellie let out the breath she’d been holding. She had to admit she was surprised by what she had learned.

  Julie was a Christian? Did that change everything, or not? Ellie wasn’t sure.

  “That’s why I think she should tell Tyler the truth,” Buck explained, his voice low and gravelly. “There’s been more than enough pain and betrayal in our lives already. It might help Tyler to learn the truth about his birth mother. I thought maybe it would help him resolve his anger issues.”

  “Only if you agree that’s what is best, too, Ellie,” Julie speedily added as a postscript.

  “What does this have to do with me?” Ellie asked Julie, shaking her head in denial. “This decision has to be exclusively between you and Buck.”

  “I told her you didn’t want to get in the middle of this,” Buck rumbled.

  Ellie’s gaze flashed back to Buck. She wondered if Julie could see the pain etched in Buck’s features, as Ellie could. How close had Buck and Julie once been? And was the bond of having a child together so easily broken?

  “Perhaps I was wrong about that,” Ellie admitted softly. “I might have been trying to take the easy way out. I want to be there for you, Buck, and for Tyler, too.”

  “You do?” Buck swept in a deep breath, and his expression immediately brightened up at the first sound of her heartfelt declaration.

  “Of course I do,” Ellie assured him. “I, er, care for you, you knucklehead.” Ellie was still uncomfortable expressing the deepest emotions of her heart in front of Buck’s ex, but she didn’t see any way around it now.

  And Buck needed to hear it.

  “But you just said you didn’t think this situation—Julie coming clean to the whole family—had anything to do with you,” he pointed out. It almost sounded like an accusation.

  “That’s right. I did. Because what you and Julie decide to do shouldn’t have anything to do with me,” Ellie explained, her tone slightly defensive.

  “But it does, don’t you see?” Julie finally shifted her gaze from the table to Ellie. “This has everything to do with you.”

  “You want my opinion?” Ellie asked, confused.

  “We want more than your opinion, Ellie,” Buck added. “Julie and I—and most especially Tyler—we all need your support, no matter what decision we come to tonight. You offered, and I’m holding you to it. We need you.”

  “Don’t you think Tyler already thinks of you as a mother?” Julie queried.

  Ellie hadn’t really thought about that. It had been so natural to protect and nurture Tyler—almost as if he were her own son, and not Julie’s. Maybe because Julie had been out of the picture. She had abandoned her family.

  Until now.

  Ellie leveled her gaze on Julie, who looked as if she wanted to turn away, though she didn’t.

  “I agree with Buck,” Ellie said so softly she wasn’t sure anyone had heard.

  “You do?” Buck sounded surprised.

  “Based on everything you’ve told me, Julie, it doesn’t seem right to keep this a secret any longer,” Ellie added.

  “We should hold off on telling him until tomorrow, though,” Buck stated firmly. “Tyler had the best birthday party ever today. His only birthday party ever. We don’t know which way this is going to go. Let’s not ruin his day.”

  “I say we sleep on it,” Ellie suggested. “Pray about it. Morning will be soon enough to make a final decision.”

  Buck flashed her a relieved grin. “See?” he told Julie. “I told you Ellie was special.”

  Ellie blushed, wondering how special she would feel tomorrow, when Tyler found out who Julie really was. Would the boy still want Ellie in his life? Or would Julie’s presence ruin the best two things that had ever happened to her?

  Chapter Twelve

  Morning came too early for Buck, who had spent the better part of the night pacing back and forth across the small confines of his room like a caged animal. He’d prayed harder than he’d ever prayed in his life. He’d searched the scriptures, reading the psalms to find a small degree of comfort.

  But it wasn’t enough.

  Or at least, it didn’t feel like enough. Buck knew better than to attach too much significance to his feelings, but he couldn’t shake the sensation that he was carrying around a tremendously heavy burden on his shoulders.

  Truth be told, Buck was out-and-out terrified of what the morning would bring. Despite his brave face to Ellie, he wasn’t one hundred percent convinced they were doing the right thing. What if everything went south? What if the last person Tyler wanted to meet in his life was his biological mother?

  What if Buck was wrong? And how could he live with himself if he was?

  Buck found both women already in the kitchen, seated across from each other and silently sipping their mugs of coffee. Each of the women was studiously avoiding the other, but Ellie looked up at him when he entered the room.

  Ellie had obviously not slept any better than Buck, judging from the black circles under her eyes. Julie, while not looking well rested exactly, at least looked determined, her lips pinching together after every sip of coffee.

  Buck poured a cup of steaming coffee for himself and sat down next to Ellie.

  “So?” he asked after taking a long pull of the hot liquid. The coffee burned his throat, but it was a welcome distraction from the tension lacing the air.

  Ellie gazed at him questioningly. Julie took another sip of coffee.

  “Are we still on the same page?” he asked when neither woman spoke.

  “I think so,” Ellie murmured, nodding her head. “If Julie is willing to make amends, I don’t see how it’s fair to let her walk away without Tyler knowing the truth.”

  Buck nodded.

  “Fair to Tyler, that is,” Ellie added quickly. “The boy is old enough to make his own decisions on whether or not he wants to pursue any kind of relationship with Julie. We need to be honest with him.”

  Buck’s gaze widened on Ellie. All through the night he had been praying for answers, praying that his son would not be hurt by their decision to come clean. While he’d given great consideration to how Tyler would react, he hadn’t realized he had done his son a disservice, had underestimated the boy—the young man.

  Tyler did deserve to know the truth, Buck recognized belatedly. He wasn’t a small child anymore. Hadn’t Tyler shown Buck in so many ways just how grown up he was?

  Julie’s fingers were gripping the mug so tightly, Buck marveled that it didn’t break in her hands. Her expression was equally apprehensive.

  Buck exhaled sharply. “So, how are we going to go about this?” he asked quietly.

  “Go about what?” came an all-too-familiar voice from the doorway.

  Buck froze, his coffee cup midway to his mouth. Ellie straightened. Julie slumped.

  “What’s going on?” Tyler asked, his gaze sliding from face to face. The boy rubbed his palms over his eyes in a sleepy fashion usually reserved for toddlers, the unconscious gesture bringing with it a boulder-size lump to Buck’s throat.

  However the three adults had envisioned everything going down, this most certainly wasn’t it. Yet his son was clearly intrigued by the fact that nobody was speaking. Ellie, at least, should be bubbling over right about now, even if Buck was his usual silent self.

  And then there was Julie….

  Buck slid his gaze from Tyler to Julie, who was staring at the boy with wide eyes and a slack jaw, which worked up and down as i
f she meant to speak, though no sound crossed her lips. Buck’s fingers started a rhythmic staccato against the cool hardness of the walnut table, in tune with the persistent thrumming of his angst-ridden heart.

  “I…I…” Julie said at last, but even the single syllable sounded garbled to Buck’s ears.

  Buck panicked. His fingers continued their droning, but he hardly noticed through the haze of emotion hanging over him. The adults in question needed to plan a time and place to tell the boy the truth, not just spring it on him because he had entered the kitchen at the wrong moment.

  Buck tried to get Julie’s attention but failed. Her gaze never left Tyler.

  Ellie’s hand was somehow in Buck’s. She squeezed hard, silencing the nervous movement of his wayward fingers. The tension-laden air now felt to Buck as if it were full of razor-sharp shards of glass. He tried to breathe normally but couldn’t, as the air painfully stuck in his lungs.

  Julie shook herself, as if coming out of a trance. She looked to Buck hesitantly. “Should I…” She stopped herself and started over again. “Should we tell him?”

  Tyler frowned straight at Buck, clearly blaming him for any secrets being kept. Buck would have cringed if he could move, but he was still frozen to the spot.

  After a moment Tyler huffed in exasperation and turned his gaze upon Ellie. “Tell me what?”

  Ellie coughed, clearing her throat. “Your dad and Julie have something they want to say to you.”

  Tyler’s eyes flitted back to Buck again, his gaze narrowing in suspicion. “Dad and Julie?”

  Buck sighed loudly. This wasn’t going the way he thought it would, not that he’d actually come up with a likely scenario for telling Tyler anything without hurting the boy’s feelings. But still, he thought, a war waging inside his heart.

  And now it couldn’t be helped.

  “Julie didn’t come here for the therapy ranch,” Buck explained, wondering if his voice sounded as strained to his son as it did to his own ears. “She came here for you.”